How Secondary Gain Keeps Leaders Stuck in Behaviours That Don’t Work

Have you ever found yourself doing something as a leader that you know isn’t helpful – but you keep doing it anyway? You might be stuck in a loop not because you’re unaware, but because of something deeper: a secondary gain.

Secondary gain in leadership refers to the hidden, often unconscious emotional payoff we get from continuing a behaviour that isn’t serving us or our team. It’s not about us being incompetent, it’s actually psychology. And until we uncover what that gain is, change can feel strangely hard, even when we know what to do differently.

Let’s explore what that might look like in practice.

You Know You Need to Change, But Can’t

You know that doing everything yourself doesn’t build trust. That constantly checking your team’s work slows them down. That staying late every night to “show commitment” isn’t sustainable.

And yet… you keep doing it.

Not because you don’t understand the theory behind not micromanaging or finding a work/life balance, but because on some level, these behaviours are doing something for you. Your gaining something from them. What?!

You see, they offer safety.

They offer control.

A sense of competence.

Maybe even a soothing way to manage anxiety.

That’s the secondary gain at work.

So What Is a Secondary Gain?

A secondary gain is a hidden benefit we get from maintaining a behaviour, even when it appears to be holding us back.

For example:
- Constantly being available might make you feel needed, even when it exhausts you.
- Micromanaging could be protecting you from the fear of being judged.
- Over-delivering might be feeding your sense of worth, but it burns you out in the process.

The secondary gain isn’t always logical. It’s usually emotional. And it’s often linked to past experiences that shaped how safe or in control you feel when leading others.

Learning more about what we get from being wrong really helps us to see our secondary gains in action.  

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

We often try to change the behaviour without understanding the payoff.

So we set better boundaries, delegate more, or practise active listening – but it doesn’t stick. Because we’re unknowingly still trying to protect something underneath.

This is something I still have to work on day after day.

That’s why identifying your secondary gain in leadership is such a game-changer. Once you spot what you’re unconsciously protecting, you can find a more sustainable, grown-up way to meet that need.

Here’s A Few Questions to Help You Get Curious

Next time you notice yourself leading in a way that frustrates you, try asking:

- What am I really getting from this?
- What fear is this behaviour helping me avoid? (This question is a beauty, but also very deep.)
- What do I think might happen if I stopped doing this? (Again, another deep one.)
- What would a more empowering way to meet that need look like? (Take your time over this question, and make sure you are very clear on the need before you attempt to answer it.)

There’s often ‘gold’ in your answers.

Seeing Your Leadership Patterns with Kindness and Clarity

So, please don’t blame yourself – this is not about blame. It’s about understanding yourself.

Your leadership habits likely evolved for good reason. You may have had to prove yourself, survive toxic dynamics, or manage without proper support. What once protected you might now be limiting you – and that’s okay.

Being willing to look at your secondary gains is one of the most compassionate and powerful things you can do as a leader, for both yourself and your team.

And if you find yourself defaulting to your secondary gains, particularly when you’re under pressure, then please read about some strategies to help you remain calm in my blog Leadership Strategies to Remain Calm Under Pressure.

My Final Thoughts for Now

Most leadership development focuses on skills. But meaningful, sustainable change often comes from looking beneath the surface where your old stories, emotions, and protective habits live. They’re what shaped us into who we are today.

When you’re ready to lead in a way that feels like you, I’d love to help.

👉 Book a free call to explore how leadership coaching can help you let go of what’s no longer serving you – and lead with more confidence, clarity, and calm.